Fuck, fuck, Fuckity, fuck.

I can say all of that, yes? Because this is an "adults" only journal and you were forewarned.

So, fuck.

This whole thing is more difficult then I could ever have imagined. The line between being responsible and illogical blurs at times. Like it did tonight.

I don't know what started it. Could be that I have been feeling unreasonably upset and frustrated. Could be that I have been enduring more then my share of stress ...could be that I found myself once again sliding backwards...could be that I suddenly want to drink and get drunk and take pills to make things easier...but thank god, I pulled myself up and out of it. It's so much easier to slip into bad habits but so much more rewarding to push past them.

Tonight the stbx decided to actually speak up about what has been going on when I decided to confront him about the inordinate amount of control he has currently (he has once again taken over the finances). To be more clear, in a panic, as usual, he has locked me out of any and all accounts that I once had access to. I pretty much anticipated that so no biggie, really. What is a biggie is that I signed up for another bank account of my own, and because of our stupid postal worker strike, I have yet to be able to actually use it. Worse, is that when I tried to shut down his access to the joint accunt I was blocked...can't do it without both of us being there...and so, my paycheque was spent...

The kids are starting to clue in and so we really need to have a talk with the soon. They are feeling the tension and I want this all to be over and yet for stbx it is just starting...

And so he's gone to bed "very sad and angry and about to cry" because it's "not his choice to voluntarily end our marriage" ...because of course it must be all my fault.

Finances though are getting in order. Bills have been slashed. Mortgage has been renewed. Sme things have been changed to my name only...

Work sucks. A long talk ensued between myself and the owners after my direct manager walked out yesterday, but so too, life goes on...
Work is getting in order, to.