Fuck, fuck, Fuckity, fuck.

I can say all of that, yes? Because this is an "adults" only journal and you were forewarned.

So, fuck.

This whole thing is more difficult then I could ever have imagined. The line between being responsible and illogical blurs at times. Like it did tonight.

I don't know what started it. Could be that I have been feeling unreasonably upset and frustrated. Could be that I have been enduring more then my share of stress ...could be that I found myself once again sliding backwards...could be that I suddenly want to drink and get drunk and take pills to make things easier...but thank god, I pulled myself up and out of it. It's so much easier to slip into bad habits but so much more rewarding to push past them.

Tonight the stbx decided to actually speak up about what has been going on when I decided to confront him about the inordinate amount of control he has currently (he has once again taken over the finances). To be more clear, in a panic, as usual, he has locked me out of any and all accounts that I once had access to. I pretty much anticipated that so no biggie, really. What is a biggie is that I signed up for another bank account of my own, and because of our stupid postal worker strike, I have yet to be able to actually use it. Worse, is that when I tried to shut down his access to the joint accunt I was blocked...can't do it without both of us being there...and so, my paycheque was spent...

The kids are starting to clue in and so we really need to have a talk with the soon. They are feeling the tension and I want this all to be over and yet for stbx it is just starting...

And so he's gone to bed "very sad and angry and about to cry" because it's "not his choice to voluntarily end our marriage" ...because of course it must be all my fault.

Finances though are getting in order. Bills have been slashed. Mortgage has been renewed. Sme things have been changed to my name only...

Work sucks. A long talk ensued between myself and the owners after my direct manager walked out yesterday, but so too, life goes on...
Work is getting in order, to.

Day 1

I will call today Day One.

Though not entirely accurate as there have been many days leading up to today where I have known it was coming. Many days before today though, the first real day where I think we both, "get it".

I can't say this is a place I ever wanted to be (if anyone says they've felt otherwise, I challenge that). I'd like to believe that most of us, when we make our individual commitments, ceremonies, private or public, intend to keep such promises. For me, I felt that the vows I made were not lightly and were with the right intent. And yet now I have stretched over and beyond. 15 years. 15 years filled with so much emotion, so many happenings, both happy and sad. Are all over. Chillingly, though not suddenly, over. I have endured more than my fair share and I've finally, truly, had enough.

I started speaking to people again, as I have been quite distant, and I'm glad to find that those friends are still there. It's comforting to know that I have support and yet frightening to know that no matter how much support others can offer, that the bulk of the work ahead is for me alone.

Terrified and yet excited to be on my own. Not even knowing what my own is. Who my own is...

It's going to be rough for a while. Instinct wants me to ignore the feelings that are there and push them aside. Get them over with and move on to the good. Good sense tells me that I need to feel the pain and move through it not over it... but not quite yet...