Day 1

I will call today Day One.

Though not entirely accurate as there have been many days leading up to today where I have known it was coming. Many days before today though, the first real day where I think we both, "get it".

I can't say this is a place I ever wanted to be (if anyone says they've felt otherwise, I challenge that). I'd like to believe that most of us, when we make our individual commitments, ceremonies, private or public, intend to keep such promises. For me, I felt that the vows I made were not lightly and were with the right intent. And yet now I have stretched over and beyond. 15 years. 15 years filled with so much emotion, so many happenings, both happy and sad. Are all over. Chillingly, though not suddenly, over. I have endured more than my fair share and I've finally, truly, had enough.

I started speaking to people again, as I have been quite distant, and I'm glad to find that those friends are still there. It's comforting to know that I have support and yet frightening to know that no matter how much support others can offer, that the bulk of the work ahead is for me alone.

Terrified and yet excited to be on my own. Not even knowing what my own is. Who my own is...

It's going to be rough for a while. Instinct wants me to ignore the feelings that are there and push them aside. Get them over with and move on to the good. Good sense tells me that I need to feel the pain and move through it not over it... but not quite yet...